Random Writing

I just realized it has been over a month since I last posted anything, so I thought I would quickly put in some of the random things I have written over the last couple of years. A lot of them came as the result of a writing experiment I did on my last blog, where I sat down and just typed for a couple hours while not being allowed to use the backspace key. Others are just random things I typed because it seemed like a good thing to do at the time. Hope you enjoy.

Mr. Turtle Considers:

Mr. Turtle sat out on the water
He sat atop a mossy old log
He was deeply pondering a matter
That was normally considered by Frog
"How high can I jump in the air?" He pondered.
"How fast can I eat ten flies?" He thought.
"How deep can I dive?" He wondered.
"Who would win if Fish and I fought?"
After days and days he finally smiled,
While floating atop the chopped-up tree.
"I can't, 20 minutes, three feet,
and almost certainly me."


Shoe Shine Steve:

Steve stares at his worn old cloth
caked with the dirt of a hundred walking feet
absorbing the dust of an entire city.
His cloth speaks of the wait on the subway,
the sprint down the dark alley,
the white wine spilled in a moment of passion.
Steve ponders the polisher that's smeared on the edge
considering the way it smears away the day.
He stretches the cloth as far as it will go,
expanding the remains of a hundred different lives.
Yet his philosophical pondering is abruptly cut short,
when a sweaty tourist settles in with a different story to tell.
The cloth begins to extract the collected remains,
learning the story that another pair of scuffed up shoes has to tell.


Poodle Monsters: (haha, wrote this for Steph)

Once upon a time there was a brave little Poodle,
who sailed the seven seas,
Having adventures and finding treasure,
Doing whatever he please.
Then one day a sea monster swallowed him whole,
and his sailing days did end,
but the two got married,
had some babies,
and Poodle monsters swarmed the land.

Easy Night's Day:

Four A.M. and wide awake
The infomercial too exciting to change
I see the fancy new spatula
the weight loss miracle we all crave
a magic pill that will make the ladies call,
because they KNOW when you are bigger in the pants (right?!)
a video you can order with women who dislike clothing
an exercise machine they'll send you for free
crazy-eyed evangelists telling you why you are going to heck
drug commercials telling you to stay away from meth,
in case you were considering picking up a new hobby
real estate tricks that will make you millions
Auction plans that can do the same
or internet secrets...
or stock market manipulation...
or you can feed a starving child,
and ease the guilt that old men place on you
Perhaps you're interested in these terrific new knives
or the flashlight that needs no batteries
you are required to buy, buy, buy
all the things you can't live without
your fingers search for the phone in the night
but fall short as your eyes finally close
and sleep settles on you as easily as that new knife cuts through steel

Proud Daddy:

When her eyes blink open after being asleep
and she stares at you so lovingly
it is impossible to imagine a life
without the gift of a beautiful child
This little girl so small and warm
is everything in the world to me
every inch she crawls,
every thing she chews
is a wonder to be marveled and applauded
the way she grows and intently considers
all the things in this gigantic world
I want to protect her from pain and shield her from harm
but know that she needs to learn it
yet the love of her family shines in her big blue eyes
the trust she places in us is humbling
and we will hold her close and watch those beautiful eyes
everytime they open

The Universe is Blue

They say there are more stars that have burned brightly and died away

Than grains of sand on all of the beaches on this world of ours

They say a million Earths could pack in tightly

To the average sized stars in the distant vacuum of space

I know we're weaving among other planets, spinning and tumbling

Twisting around a violently burning ball of gas that someday will implode upon itself

I've been told that if you looked at a portion of the night sky as large as the head of a pencil

There would be millions of stars, planets and even galaxies contained within it

I've read that the universe expands ever onward, outward, upward, inward

Already having gone past the point of infinite

I know we're considered infinitesimal, inconsequential parts of this unimaginable space

Yet when I see my daughter sleeping in her crib

When I think of how she has grown and learned

When I hear her laugh, sing, jump and cry

When I hear her declare "All Done" after eating a single bite

When I think of what a good big sister she will be

And when I imagine holding the latest addition to our family

In my arms as she looks up curiously at me

Her tiny fists clenching around my finger

When I look in to her eyes

Taking the world in for the very first time

When her eyes find mine and my heart is overwhelmed

Stretched and Filled with love until I feel like it will burst

It occurs to me

All those Cosmos out there really seem like a waste of space

When the beauty, wonder, and overwhelming awe

Of an infinite number of universes exists right here on our tiny rock

Glimpsed fleetingly every time my daughters open their beautiful blue eyes

And blink up at me smiling

Harold Annoys You, and Now You Know

In your town, probably within several blocks of where you live

There sits a man that has been looking forward to this time of year

With the anticipation a small child reserves for Christmas morning

Harold enjoys the fall

Leaves twisting their way to the ground

Lightly pushed around by the breeze coming over the hill

He walks to work through the falling explosion of color

Mortal vegetation that clings on to life as long as they can

Eventually giving in and crashing to the ground with finality

Harold chuckles to himself

Thinking that some of his clients are like these autumn leaves

Hanging on as long as they can

Yet finally pushed aside by the march of time

Harold opens his shop and steps inside

The phone ringing before he can sit down

"What do you think you're doing filling my lawn up?"

"Who gave you permission to throw those things on every square inch of my block?"

Harold looks at the clock on the wall and stands

Gathering an armload of supplies

He sets out in to the cold morning air

Breath billowing in front of him as he brings the hammer down

The dull crack of wood splits the early morning air

And another house declares "A Vote for Sampson is a Vote to Save Babies!"

Harold stands back to admire his handiwork

It occurs to him that fourteen identical signs would really send a better message

And he proceeds to fill the sleeping couple's lawn with election propaganda

Harold is the purveyor of false promises

The herald of every man or woman who craves power

He shouts the name of city councilmen with Navy Blues and Bright Reds

Harold enjoys his job; he is an integral part of the process

Bombarding your eyes and your lawns with slogans and ideals

So that the day will come that you step to the poll

And the only name on the ballot you recognize

Was emblazoned on the piece of corrugated cardboard

That stood among the falling cascade of disintegrating, rotting leaves

In front of your house for the last month and a half

That Thing on your Ear (a Haiku!)

Your Bluetooth headset

Makes you look Schizophrenic

You Pretentious Ass

Only You Can Prevent "Required Humor"

In your daily life you will invariably run in to situations that always seem to end in a familiar joke. Mildly amusing little sayings that go hand in hand with whatever event has transpired, where everyone chuckles politely and waits for things to move on. What you don't realize is that this isn't just random occurrences. In all actuality, there is a clandestine group called the "Required Humor Brigade" that has been controlling our society for hundreds of years with these little "Required Jokes".

The next time you find yourself in one of these situations, try altering the course of the event to prevent the "Required Joke" from being spoken. If everyone could do this even a couple of times a day, the power this group has held over our society for so long would finally be broken, and their powerful "Jokes" will be no more! Here are some examples of the "Required Jokes" that they use, and what you can do to prevent them playing it out like they usually do.

Scenario One: Shooting Free Throws to Divide Teams in Basketball

Several people miss in a row, and a member of the "Required Humor Brigade" yells "Ha, we should move up and try lay ups!"

Instead of laughing politely, when you hear him say "We Should…" yell out quickly and very loudly "THIS SHOT WOULD BE A LOT EASIER IF ONLY I STILL HAD FULL USE OF MY GENITALS!"

End Result: The member of the Brigade will stare open mouthed just like everyone else, and you'll be able to make the free throw in peace. The members of the opposite sex will more than likely shower you with admiration for your brave defeat of the "Required Joke"

Scenario Two: Bumping in to Someone

You are walking and bump straight in to someone. You step right, they Step Right. You step left, they move left. The member of the Brigade will always say "Hey, hey, Thanks for the Dance!"

Instead of chuckling at the absurdity, interrupt him immediately by screaming "DOPPELGANGER! They're trying to copy us! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" It usually helps if you point in to the sky at this point and duck out of the way. Also, if you have any to spare, throw some lettuce in the air to simulate Aliens invading. I didn't say it was a good simulation.

Scenario Three: Wedding Announcement

You happily announce to a group of people that you are getting married. Most will congratulate you, but a member of the Brigade will always pipe up with "Ohhhh, I'm Sorry!" Usually with an annoying sheepish grin,

As soon as you start to hear someone in the crowd say "I'm…" yell, "Thank god for Polygamy or I'd NEVER be able to get married!" It's important to note that while occasionally the person may have just been saying "I'm…so happy for you", its better safe then sorry.

There are many more examples, but hopefully now that you are armed with this knowledge, you'll be able to combat the forces of evil with your quick wits. Good luck out there, and always remember: It never hurts to carry around some spare lettuce.