1) I remember when I was little, my parents were incredibly cheap. For instance, I would see all of my friends playing with water balloons, laughing and having a wonderful time during those hot summer months. So naturally, I asked my Dad if they would buy me some water balloons. My Dad agreed and left for the store, and when he came back, he handed me a pack of gum. “Blow a big bubble and poke a hole in it, and then fill it with water!” he said, then went on to laugh hysterically for about three minutes….you should have seen what we used for Toilet Paper.
2) I remember when I was little I used to play chicken with trains. One day something terrible happened though…the train ran over my pet chicken, Mr. Flappers! Chicken with trains was a pretty dumb game, now that I think about it.
3) I remember when I was little I got a horrible bug bite that swelled up terribly. I was pretty angry at first, but I really can’t blame the bug. In all fairness, I did bite him first.
4) I remember when I was little my dad would always drag me to the airport and tell me to sit in a chair and watch him make “magic”. Then he would dress up like a pilot, stagger around like he was drunk and yell at the top of his lungs, “Where’s my plane?! I want to fly my plane! Make it go VROOM!” My Dad was a funny man.
5) I remember when I was little I used to think that babies were carried to their parents by giant storks. Now that I have grown up, however, my parents made sure to explain the birds and bees to me. I still don’t understand how animals that small can carry nine pound babies, though.
6) I remember when I was little whenever anyone asked me how old I was I would hold up the correct amount of fingers and say, “This many!” It gets harder as you get older though. I am 58 now, and it takes me 30 seconds just to tell people how old I am.
7) I remember when I was little…actually…I don’t.
8) I remember when I was little…Hey, um, excuse me sir…can you come back later? I’m in the middle of a memory right now. Thanks. Ahem…I would always skip through…hey! What are you doing? Come on, get out of here, I’m in the middle of a memory and I don’t have time for this. Sheesh. Ok…there was this dog…what are you doing?! Get off me! Back off man! Hey! Get off me! Help! Somebody help me! I can’t get him off me! What are you…OWW!! Where did that crowbar come from?! Oh the pain! Stop! STOP!! Why won’t you stop? I thought…OWWW!
9) I remember when I was little I found a dead dove lying on the ground. I took him home to bury him, and accidentally dropped him in a cake mix, completely covering it with chocolate. After that, I told people that I had invented the Dove bar. After about three years of trying to convince people I almost got some old lady to believe me. She was right on the verge of being impressed, when I showed her the original prototype and she ended up running away screaming…and THAT was when I came up with the idea of freezing them in the future!
10) I remember when I was little I had a dog named Puffy. He was a cute little fluffy dog, but a couple of years after I got him I found out he wasn’t really a dog. He was just a big cotton ball on a leash! Still, I suppose he was the best dog I’ve ever had…I mean the only time he barked was when the Jehovah’s Witnesses came to the door, and who can really blame him for that?
11) I remember when I was little I had a huge birthday bash. There was cake, piles of ice cream and balloons, a hilarious clown and a bunch of my friends and family. Then there was a loud smacking noise and I realized that I had been sleeping soundly…and that I had no friends, I had no ice cream, and the clown was in all actuality just an overweight plumber that was eating all of my cake and balloons.
12) I remember when I was little. Well...I remember when my cat was little. I think that is probably enough for one day.
13) I remember when I was little we had a dog with prosthetic hind legs made of steel. He would run as fast as he could after cars that rolled down our street. Usually it was a harmless thing, but every so often he would manage to catch up to one and it would be an absolutely horrible sight. His name was Sparky.
14) I remember when I was little I was picked on a lot, because everybody knew that my sister was much stronger than I was. It wasn’t that she was older or that she worked out or anything like that. She just overdosed on Flintstone vitamins when she was four, and since then she has been one buff chick!
15) I remember when I was little I always wondered why people fight. It baffled me that people couldn’t just vent their anger in good discussions like rational human beings. I wanted to understand it so, as an experiment, I beat up my brother after school one day. And you know, since then, I never wondered again.
16) I remember when I was little people would always ask me, “What is that thing coming out of your forehead?” I would just tell them that I had no idea what they were talking about, because I had never noticed anything. Last week, however, I did notice something. I pulled it out and it turned out to be Gadrweq, a space alien from the Planet Zoltar. And now we are the best of friends, traveling all over the galaxy and eating lots of pizza. That concludes my Animated Children’s show pitch, and I thank you for considering it.
17) I remember when I was little I met this woman who turned out to be a model. She taught me a lot of great things about life. I think that the most profound lesson she ever gave me was that life isn’t what you make of it, it is what your plastic surgeons make of it.
18) I remember when I was little I had a gerbil named Meatball. I just thought that you should know, because you seem like decent folks.
19) I remember when I was little…but everything after that is just a blurry haze.
20) I remember when I was little my dad brought me home a big stuffed bear during an especially lonely winter. All that season I played with him, and although he was kind of heavy, he was still my best friend in the whole world! I loved that bear…at least I did until the spring, when he woke up. Turns out he wasn’t stuffed, he was just in hibernation. And although he ripped apart my room, ate all of my peanut brittle and carried my little sister off into the woods with him I never really hated him. If I woke up after four months and there was peanut brittle sitting in front of me, I would do some crazy stuff too.
21) I remember when I was little, but that doesn’t really matter any more, because now I’m big and stuff and no one can beat me up anymore! NOBODY!
22) I remember when I was little my brother did a lot of shadow boxing to train. He didn’t really like it at first, because he noticed that no matter how well he punched, the shadow never seemed to feel it. Then he learned that if he hit himself, the shadow looked like it got hit pretty hard, and there was usually some sort of scream of pain to accompany the action. Bright man, my brother.
23) I remember when I was little I was an official genius. My teachers praised me as a prodigy, the best thing to happen to the school in years, stuff like that. But where has it gotten me? I mean look at me! All I’m doing is sitting in front of this stupid computer, writing these stories. I could have been a nuclear engineer. What a waste!
24) I remember when I was little I would go to the nursing home and ask my Grandmother a question, and she would always scream out the word, “DEPENDS!” I still don’t know why she did that, because it never really answered any of my questions. It either had something to do with her undergarments, or she just forgot to change her word of the day calendar and was convinced that she was REALLY supposed to use that word.
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