Stupid Is As Stupid Does

If ever there was a reason to punch someone in the throat, it would have to be because that person is as stupid as the mental image of a quadriplegic albino hippopotamus that excels at ballet. Don't get me wrong, I rarely condone violence, but certain things drive me to the point where I want to bite someone on the knee until they say "Sam Donaldson is a Vulcan!". Usually I can control this urge, but in certain cases I have trouble keeping myself from excusing myself, buying an instructional video on Karate, watching it 30 or 40 times and then returning to rain down VHS-inspired vengeance on them. Here are some recent examples of Shawn-anger for you to laugh at, and hopefully it will help to combat the stupidity in your own life.

The first happened to me at my job at Best Buy a few years ago. I sell computers there, helping people with all things computer related. Usually this is a great, really fun experience. Showing older couples how computers can help them, explaining to a college kid the benefits of a dual-core processor, setting someone up with everything they will need for a home office. This time I cheerfully approached a greasy, mousy looking man that was sneering at a laptop on display, laughing loudly to try and attract someone's attention. Here is how the conversation went:

Shawn: "Hi there, what brings you in to the store today?"
Grease-boy: (Pretends not to notice me, then..) "Hmm, OH! Didn't see you, haha. I was just looking at this little thing. Do people actually BUY these?"
Shawn: "Well yeah, for some people that's a perfect fit for what they need."
GB: "Well...(looks around)...I am a HACKER. So something like this just isn't going to cut it, if you know what I mean." (Stares at me, I'm assuming he assumed it was impressive-looking)
*Long Silence*
S: "....ah. I was under the impression that it's bad for hackers to run around yelling "I'm a hacker" to everyone they meet."
GB: "Well, I'm just getting started. Ya, I have an $8000 machine, all hooked up with (insert meaningless gibberish, fairly certain I heard "Flux Capacitor" in there). Pretty much use it just to hack into government websites, sometimes I'll help my friends, but usually just do it all myself. Yeah, I'm probably the best there is."
S: "I'm sorry...did you come in here just to admit you're a criminal, or did you need to buy something?"
GB: "Yeah, we meet up on Yahoo community chat and just plan on what to hit, get organized and then MESS..THEM..UP."
S: "Can you hear me? I sai...wait...you use YAHOO? Unlimited cyber-power and you use Yahoo chat rooms? I used those when I was like...12."
GB: "I deleted the IRS."
S: "Ok, well I'm gonna go over there and laugh for a while, come get me if you need anything."

For some reason this guy felt the need to come in to Best Buy, find me and confess to me his diabolical "hacking" skills. Not only was this guy not really a hacker, I honestly believe that was his first trip outside his parent's basement since the invention of the Hot Pocket. He fits the bill as one of my most hated people: The Oblivious Obvious Liar. This person lies without knowing the limits of what a person will believe. Exaggerating facts beyond the point of comprehension, they will say things so ridiculous you'll have trouble knowing whether or not they are joking or just stupid. Trust me: It's ALWAYS the stupid.

My next encounter of the dumb variety involved a particular vehicle incident that happened several years ago that I'm sure most of you have already heard me rant on, but it needs to be immortalized in written word. Here's what happened: I'm driving Kate over to my friend Kaleena's house for her to babysit while we're working. On the way, I pull up behind a sporty little green car at a stop light and put the car in park a good car length away. I stare absentmindedly out the driver side window and glance back at the car in front of me, right as the white reverse lights come on. I get mildly alarmed, but figure nobody is stupid enough to go BACKWARDS at a stop light, so I remain where I am. All at once, the lady backs directly into me, thumping the car and coming to a stop against me. Then, after about a 5 second pause where I scream an expletive, she pulls forward again and parks. I jump out of the car and stomp around to the front, where there really is no damage, just a scuff on the bumper. At this point I'm angry, but prepared to have a rational discussion about it and then drop it. Instead, the stupid COW (No offense, I love hamburger) opens her door and yells, "Why were you so close BEHIND ME?!"

I snapped.

If any of you have ever seen me angry (it's a fairly rare occurrence), I tend to go completely overboard. The utter STUPIDITY of the statement made my eye twitch, and before I knew it I was screaming at this lady under the soft glow of a red light. "Why was I so close behind you? Because it's a STOP LIGHT. You STOP at the LIGHT. It's not a "Let's line up and then smack our cars into each other while contemplating why the boy's never call back light!" If you were any worse of a driver, they'd make you an honorary member of the AARP! Your car must run off of stupidity! You are the stupidest #&^)*&@!*&^)*&!$E&*^)(*T!&@* ..."

You get the idea. Yes, I feel kind of bad that she slammed the car door crying, but at the very least I'm fairly certain she won't be backing up into anyone at a stop light anymore. She fit the bill as another of my most hated Shhhhhtupids: The Blame-Ducker. Look, if you're going to be stupid, at least own up to it afterward. I've done plenty of stupid, stupid, STUPID things in my lifetime, but I've always admitted my dumbassery afterward and occasionally sacrificed a goat in apology. Blame-Ducker's always make it someone ELSE'S fault, no matter how stupid it may be. They could stab you with a fork, and then say "Why aren't you a steak?!".

I'm sure everyone has encountered some form of moron, and I'm sure most of you handle it far better than I do. However, next time that common sense challenged steps up to you and starts babbling, just do me a favor: Picture that quadriplegic albino hippo in a tutu and smile. Then punch them right in the throat. It gets me through EVERY day.