After just a dash of shock therapy I've managed to recall a few more completely realistic and not in the least insane recollections of my youth.
Fond Memories continued...
26) I remember when I was little I had kind of an embarrassing problem. Anytime I heard the sound of rushing water, I peed my pants. This caused a lot of discomfort, so one day my parents decided I should go see a psychiatrist. He started the sound of a waterfall and I told him when I felt like I had to go, and he would stop the tape. We did this for about two hours. Then the unthinkable happened. The tape jammed. The waterfall continued and continued and I just had to pee and pee. The moral of the story is: If you have a bladder control issue, do not go to a psychiatrist, because if you pee on their leather couch, they will charge you extra.
27) I remember when I was little my Dad would take me to the Circus as often as he could. Even if the circus was hundreds of miles away from home he would pack up and take me on a road trip to go and see it. Sometimes to joke around, he would pretend that his lobster claw hands were strange and unusual, and he would stand inside of a glass case, painted red and waddling back and forth. People would actually PAY to see my Dad play his little joke. Can you believe that? Suckers!
28) I remember when I was little I had my very first kiss. It was wet and slobbery, and seemed to last forever inside of a magical moment in time. Man, I really miss Rover...
29) I remember when I was little my mom told me that I should never play with matches. It was good advice, very good advice indeed. So anyway, AFTER the house burned down, she was pretty upset. I had to explain to her that I wasn’t playing with the matches. I was “learning the match dynamic from every possible angle”. Yeah…Boot Camp wasn’t too much fun.
30) I remember when I was little I would always floss my toes. My philosophy was: You can eat without teeth, but how the heck can you walk without your feet?
31) I remember when I was little…well if you want to get technical about it, I was never really all that small. I was actually born at 128 pounds.
32) I remember when I was little some people thought that I suffered from a split personality, but we don’t really think so.
33) I remember when I was little I had a really bad nightmare. When I finally managed to wake up, I ran into my parents’ bedroom to tell them how scared I was. But my parents, after reading a whole bunch of parenting books, got their information mixed up, and thinking that they should treat it like hiccups, scared the stuffing out of me when I came in the door. Needless to say, the therapy continues.
34) I remember when I was little I had a photographic memory. But after about two years of that, I ran out of film.
35) I remember when I was little my mother would always tell me that “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I always really took that advice to heart. So now I’m a mime. Thanks, mom.
36) I remember when I was little I was so hungry one day that after I blew my nose into a fresh tissue, I decided I’d just up and eat it. Much to my surprise, the stuff tasted like vanilla frosting! This story had no point whatsoever except to gross you out.
37) I remember when I was little my Mom would wash my mouth out with soap every time that I accidentally let a curse word slip from my lips. What she didn’t know was that I actually loved the taste of soap. I ended up swearing like a sailor with a limited vocabulary, just so she would pour more and more soap into my mouth. I was finally able to kick the swearing habit though when I just convinced her to include a bar of soap with every meal. Can’t tell me I’m not Zestfully clean.
38) I remember when I was little I loved to play with clay. I would build little towns and pretend I was a giant monster and stomp all over them. But one time that I was stomping, I thought I saw little people running from building to building. My mom assured me that they were just cockroaches, but I swear they gave me the finger.
39) I remember when I was little I was really afraid of the dark. Every night I would crawl under the covers and hide out, thinking that monsters couldn’t get me under the sheets. It sometimes makes me laugh at how naïve I was when I was a kid. I did learn my lesson pretty quickly though, the night the monster just ripped off the covers and ate my foot.
40) I remember when I was little I had this little truck I always loved to play with.. I would drive it all over my house, across the furniture, up and down the stairs. Then one day, something terrible happened to it. I lost it. Yup…that’s it, nothing funny about that one. That will ruin your fun!
41) I remember when I was little I loved to eat my dogs Kibbles and Bits when my parents weren’t looking. There was just something about those Bits that drove me wild. I tended to pick out the Kibbles, though.
42) I remember when I was little I had this really unusual fear of the dark. I mean, most kids are scared that monsters are going to get them, but I was always afraid that cabbages would. Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, I guess I was more afraid of vegetables than I was of the dark.
43) I remember when I was little, or at least I think I do. I kind of have a hunch that my parents erased my childhood memories from my brain and filled it with completely manufactured happy recollections. The main reason I suspect this is because when I do think back, all of my friends are talking panda bears.
44) I remember when I was little my favorite holiday was Easter. I loved the thought of a giant bunny coming specially to my house to hide colorful eggs all over the place and delivering a basket full of goodies. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized just how frightening that really is. I think that fear is what drove me to kill that clown. He looked like a bunny. HE LOOKED LIKE A BUNNY!
45) I remember when I was little my reign of militaristic domination was finally brought to an end at the Battle of Waterloo. Wait....that was Napoleon...who was very small. Wait...which one of us died from arsenic poisoning? I'm going to have to start over on this one now, you may as well just go on while I think this through.
46) I remember when I was little I wrote a letter to Ann Landers. I told her about my problems, and all my dreams, hoping that she would understand and help me. Instead, I got a letter back from her secretary saying “Ms. Landers should not be bothered with prank letters! If you do not have any believable problems, then please leave her alone. Thank you!” Well, I need to stop writing now. I have people to kill.
47) I remember when I was little I was constantly too warm. I must have had some naturally high body temperature or something, because my parents tried everything. They would uncover me when I was trying to sleep, and when that didn’t work, they would take off my pajamas. When that didn’t work, they tried letting me sleep outside, and that worked for a little while, until Summer rolled around. Finally, out of options, they shoved me into the fridge, and I slept wonderfully in between the water melon and that Tupperware container that had been in there for about three months. You know, to this day, whenever that little light comes on I get really mad.
48) I remember when I was little, do you?
49) I remember when I was little people would always tell me how cute I was. But do they now? Noooooo! It’s like they think that now that I’m older, I don’t need compliments, that I am perfectly happy being an ugly little troll man! Well I’m not! I want attention too! It’s all your fault Fabio! You and your man-bosoms!
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